im sure many of you have heard the Sir William Osler quote, "medicine is a jealous mistress; she will be satisfied with nothing less." ive been ruminating on this idea since i first heard it almost 4 years ago. orthoman was in the middle of his first year when i came across it and it's stuck with me ever since. and ive since come to a wall..
is medicine the mistress, or am i?
let's look at the facts, shall we? how much time is he practicing medicine verses spending time with you? i dont know about you, but he spends most of his days (and soon many of his nights) at the hospital only to sneak away for a brief rest and repose at home. what is all of your money tied to? yeah, student debt to pay for the training. do YOU feel guilty sometimes for getting upset with him when there are people who need him too {cause i know i do}? are you the one he eats dinner with most nights, or is he at the hospital?
and, in the spirit of absolutely BRUTAL honesty... do you sometimes feel like he likes medicine more than he likes you? do you feel like you're second string? do you worry that you're replaceable while medicine will always be in his life? these are some of the really deep, dark fears that i have inside. they come from the most insecure place inside me. so, welcome to vulnerable me - the girl that even orthoman has only rarely seen. the girl that i hate to admit even exists.
so in the end, which one sounds more like the wife and who is the mistress? im really starting to wonder...
Yes, I have thought about that he will always have medicine, regardless of whether he has me. But if he doesn't have me he won't be a rich doctor. I will take his kids and his money. It would be a bad deal for him.
ReplyDeleteNo, I do not think he likes medicine more than me. In fact, he's gives off the impression that he hates it. He's always complaining about it and wishing he's gone to dental school and all this garbage. Then I get irritated and ask why we are going through all of this if he hates it so much?
I suppose he may secretly love it.
Medicine - She's more like a secret mistress around here. : ) His affair with medicine.
Lol Stacie, you're right: "he won't be a rich doctor"!!
ReplyDeleteIt's kind of hard to admit it, but yes, I do also feel like dr. psychiatry likes medicine more than me at times. It's kind of odd to think that and I have never voiced it to anyone. Medicine is not a tangible THING and people would look at me as if "Why are you jealous, you should be proud." (These are the same people who also thought I hit the "jackpot" when I met him and he proposed to me. Yes, I actually had one of my friends make that comment to me even thought he was NOT earning and I was paying for things!!!!)
But, it does help that he also realizes he can't be a normal partner to me and apologizes for it. He's going to take his Step 3 exam soon, and I'm hoping it'll at least take a little bit of the stress off his shoulders after he passes (hopefully :/ ) Then again, second year is starting and he's got more responsibilities at work and we have to worry about fellowship app's.
Medicine is probably his wife right now as he studies for step 3, but I'm hoping she'll become part-time mistress again afterwards......
With some doctors (the Alphas--surgeons mostly), Medicine is and always will be #1. For those spouses, if you cannot accept that, then you will be miserable and in the process make the doctor miserable. If you can accept it, then it is important for you to become as independent as possible and accept that your doctor spouse will be a consultant in your life vs. a bonafide active participant (the one who takes care of the daily stuff--car repairs, household repairs, juggles finances, etc.) Seek outlets for growth for yourself and your children; become involved in your school and community as well as in your spouse's medical life -- go to the meetings when possible and meet the other doctors and their spouses; develop friendships with them.
ReplyDeleteMany spouses feel as if they have to know what the doctor is doing, who they are seeing as patients, etc. when they go off to work but really it is not in their best interest to know. Do you really want and/or need to know that your OBGYN spouse was examining your one of your friends? Ewww. And besides, there is a little thing called Privacy and HIPPA!
Is it easy? NO. Can it be done? Yes. Take it from me (a doctor's daughter, a doctor's wife, a doctor's mother, a doctor's mother-in-law) that it can be done. I wish each of you the best of luck in your pursuits.
Great advise Judy. I totally agree.
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