her story

im in unfamiliar territory over here.  the past few months have tested me, my husband and our marriage more than anything we've ever experienced.  there were times that i looked down the path ahead of us, shake my head and then say, "oh, so that's how people get divorced."  there was a subtle build up of anger and frustration that had started to creep up.  the toddler and the pregnancy did not help up either.  both of us were at a loss for how to make things better.  there were issues that needed to be worked through and discussed, but both of you have to be present (and awake) to do that.  it was awful and scary and heartbreaking.  i've been crumbling inside; it's so hard to feel so much pain when you still love someone so madly and passionately.  so when my parents offered to bring me and the bug to Florida with them for my birthday, Orthoman actively encouraged me to go.  even though he couldnt go (freaking intern year) we both knew i really needed the time off.

i spent 10.  10! glorious days in warm, sunny florida.  i saw my bestest that moved matched there and then my family.  incredible doesnt even begin to describe my experience.  and my little bug blossomed under all of the love and attention constantly showered on her.   it was the first real vacation i had taken since my honeymoon.  before that, i had been in middle school.  so basically it had been a really long time.  i felt all of the stress melting away and i started to miss home, which almost surprised me.  i genuinely missed my Orthoman and eagerly anticipated seeing him.  when we talked at night we both sounded so excited to hear from each other.

2 nights before we got home, Orthoman broke down on the phone.  it had been one of the hardest weeks in his life and the fact that i wasnt there for him really hit him.  he needed me and i wasnt there.  he said it made him realize just how much i do for him and how important i am to him.  while i ached because he was hurting, it healed some of what i was struggling with.  i was so ready to go home!  not only that, but he was going to have the entire weekend off when we got back!  2 full days of Orthoman was beyond bliss!!!

so when i got home i was shocked with the cold.  it was cold weather and a surprisingly cold person.  after that initial warm reception at the airport, it became VERY clear VERY quickly that i had misinterpreted the conversation we had the other night.  rather than seeing an appreciative and loving husband, for the first time in our entire relationship he was resentful!  which was terrifying because it's such a departure from his personality.

i was completely paralyzed and stayed silent.  yes, he DID need a vacation too.  i know that, he knows that, and if he could have come then he would have been there too.  but guess what, it's not my fault he cant take time off in this rotation.  i didnt scheme with my parents to exclude him from this trip - they have a timeshare and guess what?  it's the same week EVERY YEAR.  sorry dear, no diabolical plot here.

now dont get me wrong.  there's a line between sharing experiences and throwing something in your face.  i tried so hard and was so mindful of it that i always erred on the side of caution.  but i didnt expect to get cold looks when my daughter walks around with her new, beloved Mickey doll and i tell the story of how she "conned" grampaw into getting it for her.  i learned that as long as we talked about him and only him we would be on safe territory, which was exactly the same place we were when we left.  great.

i didnt expect all of our problems to just disappear because i had gone on vacation.  and obviously they didnt, but i didnt expect this new beast to enter the picture.  since when is my Bubbie resentful?!  when did he become "that guy"?  oh god.  was he starting to turn into that douche-bag surgeon everyone hates?

but that wasnt all that was different. *i* was different this round.

while i was gone i did some serious thinking and took full advantage of the 5 other pairs of hands available to help with my little one.  now, i was ready to step in the ring.  i left home feeling completely drained and empty.  i had no fight left in me and wasnt sure i could make it.  i didnt know what i wanted or if i was up to the challenge.  but now?  now i KNEW that i wanted to make things work.  i KNEW that i could handle whatever was going to come up.  i KNEW that i was strong enough.

and let me tell you - it's been a fight.  i have had to fight and struggle and claw my way back.  but once i made it clear that i wasnt going to let him give up and that i was still "in the game", things have started to change.  and thank god they have!  we were blessed with thanksgiving AND that friday off.  WE have been working our asses off on making things better.  we've made sure to take advantage of every moment we've had together both as a family and as a couple.  even though the money isnt really there, HE said to get a babysitter this week.  suddenly, im not doing all the emotional work for both of us. instead of getting home, playing with the Bug and then going straight to bed, Orthoman stays up later to talk to me.  sometimes it's only 15 minutes, but that's 15 really important minutes!

things arent perfect, but they're so much better than they were.  i have confidence not just in Orthoman, but in ME!  i never imagined it would be this hard when we first started, but i also never imagined i would find it so rewarding too.  our marriage means more to me now because it's not easy anymore.  our first 5 years have been relatively easy and we're definitely not in that honeymoon phase anymore.  but that's okay now.  i cant take our relationship for granted right now because we've put so much into it.  so if you're going through this struggle, know that it can be better.  it can improve.  you do have that fight in you.

after he fell asleep, i kissed my Orthoman goodnight and started to cry.  but unlike the past few months, i wasnt crying because i was unhappy, frustrated or mad.  i cried because i remembered how much i loved him and knew we were going to be okay.  

deep breath

our easy rotations are almost over.  we had 2 months that were essentially hospital-free.  now, orthoman is on a Rehab rotation where he's working 7:30 - 5 everyday.  a few mornings a week he goes in early for lecture, but he'll be home before 5 almost every day.  and of course there are no weekends!  so for the month of september, we're on a schedule that more closely resembles the rest of the world.  weird.  

and in case you're upset that he's had it so "easy", just remember that we're in orthopedics.  so come October 1st, he's gone.  forever.  

okay, maybe not forever, but it'll get insane.  

and because we're both a little crazy, and stupid, we were shocked when we learned that we got pregnant after the miscarriage in early june!  so, im 14 weeks pregnant and due to have a baby the first week that he starts his 4 month Gen. Surgery trauma rotation.  you know, the one with the most awful hours.  the one where he can only take 1 (preschedule) week of vacation THE ENTIRE 4 MONTHS.  on the bright side, at least we'll both be zombies at the same time, albeit in different locations, but now he'll be able to appreciate what i went through with our 1st kid.

so im excited.  and terrified.  but mostly, im trying to not let medicine rule my life.  i feel like it's been permeating everything in my life for the past year and im over it.  we interviewed.  we matched.  we moved.  now it's time to settle in and get on with life already.  orthoman wont be around a lot, but how is that different than the past 2 years?  ive made due then, and ill make due now.  there's almost a sense of relief because residency is NOW.  it's no longer this looming cloud over our heads.  we know where we're living, we know where he's working.  so many questions have been answered!  

fellowship is a whole other beast, but at least we dont have to consider that for a while, right???

the "family's doctor"

last night, OrthoMan got a phone call. you know - one of those calls. it was his sibling calling about their latest medical "emergency". well, there goes our night i sighed, and walked away.

we're pretty used to them now. OrthoMan was about 2 weeks into med school when my mom called to ask him his opinion on her latest thyroid test results. after that call, OrthoMan and I literally sat down and discussed how we would handle the inevitable family calls. at that point, he was still convinced he was going to be a small town family doc, so this was a real issue. i mean, this would be his livelihood. but then again, they're family! how can you not help your family?! the other hand, though, there are about 50,000 more negatives. we'd been warned by others not to get into the business of being your "family's doctor". but of course that was completely thrown out the window during 2nd year when Orthoman's dad needed to have emergency triple bypass surgery.

he fielded questions left and right from siblings, friends and relatives. he had his mom request additional copies of his dad's x-rays, EKGs, etc. (although orthoman *NEVER* questioned any of the treatments because his dad was working with a GREAT doctor). he followed everything so that he could synthesize the information and explain it to the rest of the family. he would get calls and emails daily asking him to explain this or give a "what's next" or "what if" scenario.

once we got through that, though, his side of the family started with the phone calls and questions. i've definitely noticed and uptick in the volume ever since he graduated. so what to do? im not supposed to get mad at an in-law for wanting his opinion. but honestly, i dont really like it when the "doctor" comes home instead of my husband. i mean, i love it when one of us is sick or hurt, but other than that, id almost rather it all stay at the hospital. because im not married to DOCTOR Orthoman. im married to orthoman.

is that unfair to say? is that wrong? maybe. but the fact of the matter is that id rather he leave his work at the hospital. it's half jealousy, half annoyance. but, when those calls come in, ive started to learn that i just need to walk away and do something entirely different... because let's face it. whether i like it or not, Orthoman is the family's doctor and that's not going to change.

blerg.

musings

on this day many, many years ago - back when it was 2009 - OrthoMan opened an email. it was the results of his Step 1 scores taken just a few weeks previously...

our family of 3 was a family of 2.5. there was 1 car, a pregnant wife/chauffeur, {future} Orthoman, and enough stress and anxiety to fill Yankee Stadium.

it was early in the morning when we set out on the 20 minute drive to the testing center. there was 7 weeks of INTENSE preparation leading up to this one test. we didnt really speak because we were both so freaked out. i mean, this one effing test would determine the rest of our lives!!! and as everyone here knows, that's really not an overstatement. i gripped the steering wheel so tightly that my hands hurt when i got home. i was convinced that my lil heart would explode at any minute, which would distract Orthoman while he was taking his test and cause him to fail said test and have his life ruined TWICE in one day. yikes.

i dont remember much about that day because frankly, i went home and slept for most of the day. except for when i went to Coldstone for lunch. and got the love it size. in a waffle cone. with 2 mix-ins.

since we had only 1 car i had to guess when he might be finished. i showed up about an hour earlier than he suggested. then i waited an hour and a half to see him. i had on NPR and pretended to listen to The Splendid Table {great program, btw}. and then i saw him. he walked out with his bf/bff/study buddy/comrade/etc. he nodded in my direction, acknowledging my presence, but didnt move from his spot. he stood there an extra 43 minutes (YES! i counted). i wanted to smack him, but instead i gave him a kiss when he got into the car and gave him a cheesy grin.

but he sat there. that ass just sat there not saying anything. "i didnt fail it, but i didnt do much better than passing."

it almost killed me. i reassured him as best as i could. of course he didnt fail!

but what if he did? what if my husband, whose friends commended him for studying the hardest and longest, actually failed. i wanted to strangle him and scream. i wanted to yell and shout, "how can you do this to us?!?! i've given EVERYTHING to make this work and to support you!" {and those thoughts were in no way fueled by my pregnancy hormones, i swear}.

instead, i said, "do you still want to go to Red Robin and get some dinner?"

a few weeks later i was sitting at my desk at work. my feet were being propped up by a box of office paper and i was on the phone with one of the partners, trying to figure out where the numbers must have been transposed on a statement. it was about 90 billion degrees outside and 4473% humid {once again, i am in no way exaggerating). the conversation was lasting longer than my bladder and i was dying. the last thing on my mind was {future}Orthoman. then i got a text. it said nothing except three numbers. i re-read it 4 or 9 times to make sure i got it right.

2-he kicked-ass

after a month of preparing for the worst and expecting nothing, here it was. he was home free. he had license to become WHATEVER he wanted! we could go into any field we wanted! we managed to break through the glass ceiling.

i just wish he had some idea of what he wanted to go into.

---

i'm an orthowife, and this is my life.

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i cross-posted this over at Med School Tagalongs

truth and tears

we deal with so many lies about medicine like, doctor husband = money, doctor husband = sweet schedule, doctor husband = easy life. and after you hear these lies on repeat, you start to wonder what the truth really is. . . what really happens when that MD gets tacked onto your husband's mail. sometimes it's bliss. but most of the time it's chaos.

orthoman has been doing orientation all week. tomorrow is his "day off" before he starts friday. and boy does he start! trauma surgery for the next 4 months. ouch. i feel so conflicted about the whole thing. im glad to get things moving again. im ridiculously excited to get some sort of a paycheck. but then there's the majority of my thoughts. ive been bursting into tears randomly throughout the day. something will remind me that my best friend isnt going to be right next to me anymore. that all this incredible time with him is going to disappear.

but what really kills me inside is that im going to have to deal with the hard stuff by myself again. there's no relief at the end of a hard day with the Bug. the bank account will be just as empty, but he wont be here to help split that worry. and he wont be here every time im reminded of what happened and i break down.

i promised colleen i would tell my truths so that you wouldnt think everything was all rainbows and unicorns everyday. . . one week after we moved into this beautiful house, in an incredible place, with an amazing little girl and so many bright things in front of us. . . i miscarried at 7 weeks. after months of looking forward to a positive test it had come back. i was BEYOND ecstatic. but then i woke up saturday and knew before i got out of bed that something was wrong. having miscarried before i knew that pain. and for the first time ever i looked at my doctor husband and there was NOTHING he could do. this wasnt a cut that needed to be bandaged. he couldnt tell me what to take to feel better. there was no way he could stop it.

and so the truth of being a doctor's wife is that you're at the mercy of "the schedule". sometimes that means he's home in time for a birthday party. sometimes it means that you're all alone in a new city with none of your friends around losing a baby that you already started to love. it means that your husband learned in anatomy class how to distance themselves from death and their OB rotations taught them not to become attached to a pregnancy because hey, like, 1/4 of all pregnancies end in miscarriage so you shouldnt get excited until after the first trimester and even then you should stay cautiously optimistic. but i dont give a flying fuck about that right now. it's after midnight and i cant sleep because YET ANOTHER friend has just announced they're pregnant.

and while it would be so nice to spend our last day together as a family, orthoman decided that Poker Night with his new fellow interns wasnt enough. they're playing golf in the morning and then, oh yeah, did he forget to mention that one of the reps is taking everyone out tomorrow night for a fancy dinner? dammit, i mean it's not like he's disappearing for the next 5 damn years. so i guess you could say that truthfully, im already feeling bitter.

well shit. i guess the truth is just as ugly as the lies.

which one is which?

im sure many of you have heard the Sir William Osler quote, "medicine is a jealous mistress; she will be satisfied with nothing less." ive been ruminating on this idea since i first heard it almost 4 years ago. orthoman was in the middle of his first year when i came across it and it's stuck with me ever since. and ive since come to a wall..

is medicine the mistress, or am i?

let's look at the facts, shall we? how much time is he practicing medicine verses spending time with you? i dont know about you, but he spends most of his days (and soon many of his nights) at the hospital only to sneak away for a brief rest and repose at home. what is all of your money tied to? yeah, student debt to pay for the training. do YOU feel guilty sometimes for getting upset with him when there are people who need him too {cause i know i do}? are you the one he eats dinner with most nights, or is he at the hospital?

and, in the spirit of absolutely BRUTAL honesty... do you sometimes feel like he likes medicine more than he likes you? do you feel like you're second string? do you worry that you're replaceable while medicine will always be in his life? these are some of the really deep, dark fears that i have inside. they come from the most insecure place inside me. so, welcome to vulnerable me - the girl that even orthoman has only rarely seen. the girl that i hate to admit even exists.

so in the end, which one sounds more like the wife and who is the mistress? im really starting to wonder...

liar liar

i think by now most of us have a pretty large mental folder called: "Lies We Tell". as the wife of an MS, you start adding to that folder and by now mine is pretty large. but this weekend, i caught a glimpse at just how big it can become.

i would ask if you knew what i was talking about, but we all know you do.

this weekend, i jumped into the social scene here in my stereotypical midwest town. saturday i went to a church social for women and since our congregation is made up of maybe 75% medicine-related people (mostly residents, some med students) the wives were almost all residency widows. sunday was church where we (again) met (a few) residents and their spouses/children. and then today was the big day. today, was a memorial day bbq for the ortho residents and their families.

saturday and sunday i spoke with a LOT of people (mostly women). and i kept hearing these lies; these blatant lies.

• residency isnt nearly as bad as med school (thanks FP's wife whose husband is in an awesome clinic with hours i could only dream of)
• it's not that bad
• the hours arent that bad
• your kids will still get a lot of time with their dad
• you'll get your husband in the evenings
• attendings are all really nice. your husband will be treated really well.
• you're finally making money! it's great to have an income!
• it's not that bad... really!

anyways...you get the point...

there's a kernel of truth in some of them, but it's just that - a kernel. then the story changed dramatically on monday. i was actually really happy with how much i liked the wives and how well we all got along. everyone was really nice and friendly and welcoming. but after the initial introductions, i noticed that they all showed signs of fatigue. there were those with husbands on call, and therefore absent. some had husbands show up mid-party in scrubs. others were there with husbands they hadnt seen in a few days {weeks really}. some kids clung to dads like glue and others seemed a little uncomfortable with their dads giving them directions.

and you could see how TIRED everyone was. it was a very upbeat and happy party, and yet you still heard the same conversation snippets, "i seriously havent seen him in 3 days, let alone spent any time with him alone," "my family has no clue just how gone he is," "it was just another example of how much im on my own right now," etc., etc., etc. i think they were all honest because they were all in the same trench. there was no point in lying because they were all in the exact same boat.

and so it was MY turn to lie. they all expected and accepted it. i said how happy i was to start residency, how i was so independent and not used to him being around. i blabbed that i was eager to get started so that i could get on a schedule again and how exciting! the whole thing was.

but it was 99% bullshit.

so here's the TRUTH: i LOVE having orthoman home all the time. this past month has been rough at times, but i wouldnt trade it for the world. the bug and i LOVE that he's around for hugs or kisses or playing. i wish we could stay in this bubble forever. our days start with bug climbing into bed with us and an hour of snuggling. our nights end with long talks before we fall asleep. im actually spending time with my husband and im finding all these *new* reasons to love him. im dreading residency and im already a little resentful towards all the residents who will gobble up all of his time. le sigh. right now, im not a med wife. and it's actually really nice.

wonderings

ive been doing a lot of "wondering" lately. it seems like a common activity amongst the "almost resident wives" i know. we're on the cusp of this REALLY HUGE CHANGE, but it's not here yet. so here's a list of just *some* of my wonderings...

I wonder...

- where we're going to live in a couple of months

- if our house is going to sell soon

- where i'll go grocery shopping

- who will be the Bug's favorite playmate

- if there are a lot of other "quilters" and "sewers" that i'll meet

- what the best LQS {local quilt shop} is

- who will be my OrthoMan's closest friends

- if we'll find a good place to take the Bug swimming this summer

- what the weather will actually be like

- if i'll have trouble locating some of my favorite products

- what stores will they not have that ive learned to love

- is this a place with lots of good thrift stores???

- what will be my favorite place to go hang out

- what kind of outdoor activities are available AND fun

- will there be a lot of other med wives for me to lean on and associate with

- how long will it take for me to build a "family" of friends

- if i'll ever actually see my OrthoMan

- what kind of call schedule will "we" be on

- how the stress manifest itself on me and OrthoMan

- how the Bug will react to having OrthoMan gone again

- what will happen to our sex life

- how long it will be before we cave and I get a dog again {soon i hope!}

- if family will want to visit Toledo or if we'll have to go see them

- what the monthly budget will be

- if our neighbors will like us

- if the Bug will like playing the leaves this fall

- if the Bug will ever get tired of watching Cars

- if i can avoid seeing Cars 2 this summer

- if i'll ever capitalize my writing on purpose

what's on your "wondering" list???

*almost* home

we took a brief trip up to our *almost* new home. it was a million emotions all at once. it felt awesome/exciting/terrifying/freaky/strange/weird/crazy/HAPPY...

i cant tell you what a relief it was to go up there and actually SEE where i'll be living. it's no longer this big unknown that i fear. instead, im actually really looking forward to moving!!! in fact, i think i'll be happier there than i was here in STL, which is really saying something because ive lurved living here. i keep telling myself that if i was able to find and make such amazing friends in St Louis, then there's got to be some pretty rocking chicks up in Toledo too.

and the money stuff??? well, it'll resolve itself somehow. right now, i need to kind of take a chill pill and a deep breath. i mean, no matter how much money i do or dont have, i'll still need to be careful about how it's spent. i guess we'll just have to roll the dice and see where it all lands. deep breath people, deep breath.

because we're going to residency one way or another...