*almost* home

we took a brief trip up to our *almost* new home. it was a million emotions all at once. it felt awesome/exciting/terrifying/freaky/strange/weird/crazy/HAPPY...

i cant tell you what a relief it was to go up there and actually SEE where i'll be living. it's no longer this big unknown that i fear. instead, im actually really looking forward to moving!!! in fact, i think i'll be happier there than i was here in STL, which is really saying something because ive lurved living here. i keep telling myself that if i was able to find and make such amazing friends in St Louis, then there's got to be some pretty rocking chicks up in Toledo too.

and the money stuff??? well, it'll resolve itself somehow. right now, i need to kind of take a chill pill and a deep breath. i mean, no matter how much money i do or dont have, i'll still need to be careful about how it's spent. i guess we'll just have to roll the dice and see where it all lands. deep breath people, deep breath.

because we're going to residency one way or another...

gross stuff

can i let out a huge groan right now? im trying to put together the application for the Residency Relocation Loan right now and i just want to barf. im about 95% sure we'll need a co-signer to get the loan, but i really dont want to ask. and it's not pride either. it's guilt.

i feel this massive amount of GUILT whenever we need to ask for help because there's only one option: his parents. and i hate that. i hate feeling like i might be burdening them. or making them feel like we're using them. because i dont want them to EVER feel like that. i keep telling myself that everyone is investing in Scotch's future. that there will be a time when we can pay everything back to everyone.

i dont want much. i promise. im not looking for the big "payday" at the end. we matched in Ortho, which means there will be money {serious money} down the road {god willing nothing changes}. but i dont want the big house or the expensive cars. i want to get rid of the MASSIVE private medical school tuition debt. i want to pay off our house and debts. i want to buy my kids shoes without worrying. i want to take my mom out to lunch. is that too much to ask? i hope not.

you're talking to a girl who put herself through college. i came/come from NO MONEY whatsoever. in fact, we struggled pretty heavily all growing up. my parents still struggle. it breaks my heart and i hate watching it. so, money is a hard subject for me. it makes me feel sick and nervous.

and despite all of this, im filling out the paperwork and working up the courage to ask for yet another favor. is this normal? do you all feel like this? we go to a private school and our tuition bill is SKY HIGH. so i dont even understand this "loan utopia" that ive heard about. we live off of less than $1600 a month. im being real people. and reality hurts.