The Darkness Before the Dawn

At the end of college you're broke.  At the end of medical school you're in debt up to your eyeballs.  At the end of residency ... well ... you are worse than all that.  

Plus you face finding a job, a new home, a move and 4-6 weeks of credentialing and licensure.  This all means that your debts have come due and no sign of a pay check for up to two months.  The phone is ringing off the hook with everyone you ever borrowed money from in the last 14 years on the other end.  

The kids are using moving boxes as trash cans, laundry hampers, shelves, and toys because you can't afford any of those things until that first paycheck comes.  I cannot tell you how hard this phase is.  OMGosh, there is not a word to describe it. It was horrible though.  Finally, after long last, when I thought I couldn't go on-  Here comes the sun!!!!

One day left of residency

I can't believe it's almost over.  One more day of residency and he's a real, board certified, bonafide anesthesiologist.  Tomorrow is the end of an era.  I feel like I should have some sort of degree or something for enduring this time of famine.  We are staring our debt straight in the eye.  We are broke as dirt and closing on a large beautiful home.  My life is a contradiction right now.
The contracts are signed, tests are passed, paperwork complete.  Just waiting now for our new life to start.

The Doctor Tax

Greetings All!  I know I haven’t posted in a while, but I am back in the fold now and ready to blog.  My post today is about the “doctor tax”—a social/societal premium placed on goods and services when people find out your husband is a physician. 

Let me preface this, and if you’ve ever read anything I’ve written before, you know this – in the real world, I NEVER, EVER volunteer the fact that my husband is a physician.  Okay, I told my gynecologist, but I figured that’d keep them on their toes. 

There have been instances when I am utilizing someone in the service industry, and they ask me about my husband.  Sometimes my husband is with me when this happens.  They ask about what I do, but I never get into the whole “I have a law degree but am working a menial office job” routine. 

This has arisen a few times and I will list the interactions when my husband’s profession comes up.

1)       Hair Salon --  who am I kidding, I don’t go to a salon.  I go to Great Clips, and when I told the lady I was moving, after just having moved, she asked if my husband was a doctor.  What??  How could you jump to that conclusion based on simply having to move?

2)      Movers – they were nice and all, and things got packed and delivered perfectly, but did they really need to know what my husband’s profession is?  The credit card payment already cleared, people.

I firmly believe in tipping based on the quality of service received.  In certain situations, like at a restaurant, many states pay the serves less than minimum wage.  I have never tipped below 20% in that case, even for the worst service (except once when the waitress was racist, she got 0%).  Just because my husband is a doctor doesn’t mean that I need to be tipping 25% or more every time.

In the instance of a hair salon, I tip on service and good personality.  My hairdresser doesn’t have to be my best friend.  In fact, I salon-hop a lot because I’ve had to move so much.  But being polite goes a long way, as does making me look better than what I did when I came in.  I am NOT going to tip you more because you prodded me and found out my husband is a doctor.  You might think I have a ton of money, but that would make you an idiot.  You need to realize that your salon charges $30 or less for a haircut if I am so rich wouldn’t I go to the many other places that charge upwards of $65+? 

As for the movers.  I tip $20 per person, if they go fast and don’t break things.  I tip the driver $40 total because they usually help with loading/unloading at both points of the move.  Just because my husband is a doctor doesn’t mean you are going to get hundreds of dollars in tips or a fixed percentage of the 4-figure move.  

Just another rant of a poor resident’s wife.  We aren’t even half way close to six-figures and we have six-figure debt, so I just *hate* when people expect more from me than they do others J

Doctors' Wives Must Reads

Hippocrates' Handmaidens: Women Married to Physicians

Atul Gwande: Better, Complications and Checklist

The Medical Marriage: Sustaining Healthy Relationships for Physicians and Their Families

Prescription for the Doctor's Wife

Surviving Residency: A Medical Spouse Guide to Embracing the Training Years

Obama on Obamacare

My Deepest Condolences

I had this idea in my mind of leaving for our adventure of medical school and residency. I imagined we were sailing off on a ship heading to the horizon to seek our fortune.  I thought there would be time after, once we return, for the kids to get to know their grandparents.  There will be time after when the children will grow close with all their little cousins.  When all this training non-sense is complete, then we will have that special time with family that will be the kids' memories of family into adulthood.

My mom called me yesterday.  She had that deep empty sound in her voice; I asked her if she was okay.  No she wasn't okay.  She had just left Molly's funeral.  Molly is Colleen's mother who passed away this last Friday.

We've had to face mortality with Chad's father's cancer during these residency years.  Fortunately, for now, it's in remission, but it reminds me of how short and precious this life is.  That there is not always tomorrow, and I shouldn't wish today away.

Colleen, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Mama. 

My Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day...

Have you ever played the game Rummikub and gotten to the end and you KNEW you could win, but it was going to take some major movin' around and you weren't sure if you were going to be able to get all your pieces connected to a set and accounted for?

That is kind of a weird analogy, but that is how I feel sometimes when Ben is gone and I have to do things where I can't take my 3 kids with me. 

I just found out he can't come to my only sister Megan's wedding next month in Tulsa, OK (We live in Fort Worth, TX.) because he has to work.  Being the maid of honor, I have to figure out what to do with my three kids all day and most of the night on Saturday...*sigh* 

All MY family will be at the wedding.  My mom is in hospice care now after 8 years of struggling with breast cancer, so if she just makes it to the wedding even for the ceremony, I'll be ecstatic. Obviously she can't keep up with my kids and my dad is her primary caretaker, so...that rules him out.  Ben's mom has MS and has just moved HER elderly father in with her to take care of.  Ben's sister has 4 kids of her own who are all involved in every sport there is, so their Saturdays are always crazy.  The rest of Ben's family lives out of the area.  I think I can leave my 6 month old with Ben's mom (in NORTH Tulsa), but not my two rowdy boys, so I have to ask a friend from the church I grew up in that I haven't seen in quite some time (in SOUTH Tulsa abt 35 min away from Ben's mom) to take them for the day, and then Ben's sister can get them for the night until I can get back to pick them up.  I wish I could hire a babysitter, but our 18 month savings that we stocked up on is starting to run low, so we have had to tighten our belts a bit to make sure we make it until he starts moonlighting in the Fall, and I can't afford a babysitter for three kids all day long.

Plus, lately when we have been coming to Tulsa to visit our families (my mom), we have had an issue with where to stay.  We have had to separate because it is too hard to keep the boys quiet, so they won't wake up my mom.  She is now sleeping in snatches when she can at any time of the day because she isn't able to sleep laying down comfortably anymore.  She sleeps in a recliner in the living room, propped up by several pillows, leaning forward on more pillows on the hospital rolling cart that my dad serves her her food on.  :(  Ben typically goes to his sister's house with the boys, and Ally and I stay in the guest bedroom and visit my mom at her house.  With Ben not coming, I have to find a place where we can all stay together.  We could ALL stay at his sister's, but like I said, she has 4 kids of her own.  If we stay there, there will be 7 kids ages 9-6 mos, running around. (Well, scooting, in Ally's case.)  CRA-ZY.

I'm so tired of all the finagling I have to do to make this work, and on another note, I know you all  understand where I am coming from when I say that I'm going to be royally pissed off if Obamacare jacks with the life plan we have struggled and sacrified for for our entire marriage and things don't pan out.  Especially if it means we end up nearly half a million dollars in debt, after 10 years of working hard with not much to show for it, and no reasonably quick way to pay it all off.  I'll be danged if that happens.  I'll be like Alexander from the children's book who had the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and "think I'll move to Australia."

In Honor of the Supreme Court Hearing...

Let me get this straight . . . We're going to be "gifted" with a health care plan that we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't. Which purportedly covers at least ten million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents, written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that didn't read it, but exempted themselves from it, and signed by a President who smokes, with funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes, for which we'll be taxed for four years before any benefits take effect, by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare, all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that's broke!!!!! What the hell could possibly go wrong?' - Donald Trump

Thoughts?

Below is an article about a North Carolina mother who was billed for an alternate lunch after a health representative at the school deemed her child's sack lunch from home lacking in nutrition.  And just read what she sent, and what the alternative was!!  A friend of mine posted this on her facebook page and I read it and grew immediately irate for this mother.  Then I saw that another local friend of mine commented that this had happened to her here in Fort Worth, too.   What...?

I felt this was applicable to our blog as childhood obesity is a growing problem in our country, and being in the business of health care, we all know that adult obesity is also a problem, which of course leads to many implications on our health care system.  However, is this government involvement taking it too far? Have any of you had any experience with this?  Thoughts?

http://www.myfoxny.com/dpps/news/preschoolers-homemade-lunch-replaced-with-chicken-nuggets-dpgonc-20120215-fc_17957527

Hello friends,
It's been a while since I posted.  I see we have so many new followers, so I will reintroduce myself.  My name is Colleen, my DrH, Ben, is an intern in Emergency Medicine at the local county hospital.  I am a 32-year-old SAHM of 2 boys, ages 4.5 and 3, and we also added a baby girl to our family in October.  We got pregnant (purposefully) and had our oldest, the first month of the first year of med school (which we completed here in Fort Worth, and didn't have to move for residency), so we have done the young family thing the entire med school/residency journey. 

For the last 3 years of residency, I also ran a Texas licensed in-home preschool.  However, we closed it in May when Ben started bringing in a salary, having saved up enough money from my income and student loans to live for 18 months at the same standard of living until Ben could start moonlighting in October/November 2012.  For a little extra money, I do still keep one child.  He is kinda part of our family now; I have had him for 3 years, and he and my oldest are only months apart in age.  To close my self-summary, we now have less than 2.5 years until we are done.  No fellowships or additional specialties.  Just Emergency Medicine.  Fine.by.me.  :)

As I have been following everyone else's posts, I have to say that while we certainly have our challenging moments, ER is a cake walk compared to what a lot of you have been going through.  This is part of the reason I haven't posted for a bit.  I feel bad posting my trials, when for the most part, I feel pretty blessed and am no more stressed than any other stay-at-home mom with a working husband (although sometimes my working husband does have crazy hours and works a little more than most).

This week (and for many weeks now), Ben is studying for his first benchmark of the Emergency Medicine Board Exam.  He takes it tomorrow.  From what I understand, other specialties take this exam at the beginning of their intern year, but since ER residents can moonlight (and we have planned on Ben doing so), they take this exam later in the first year.  This exam is looked upon as a way to gauge that the resident has a minimum level of understanding of Emergency Medicine - enough that his Academic Advisor would recommend him to be eligible to moonlight.  (Sidenote:  That is another bonus to ER:  By the time we are done with residency, we can have a nice chunk paid toward student loans AND our schedule easily allows him to moonlight a few extra shifts a month.  For the 31 days of March, for example, Ben only works 20 10-hour or less shifts, and 2 12-hour shifts, leaving him 9 days off.  There are 9 weekend days in the month of March, so this month he essentially gets the same amount of  time off as any other Mon-Fri job.)

My point is that he is home a lot more than many other resident husbands.  And it drives me crazy.  Is that horrible?

The boys and I have a daily and a weekly routine going on that we kinda live by.  Now I must confess that I can be a little obsessive-compulsive about routines.  They give structure to a day that could very easily all mush together into a point where I become a bon-bon eating, soap watching, lazy bum.  I don't want to become that person.  And it's a slippery slope, people.  Especially with a still fairly young infant.  I'm tired.  A lot.

But I have never been one to sit around and be lazy; I just get this guilt complex and all the things I need to be doing loom over my mind in threatening thought-bubbles until I can't take the pressure any more.  I have to get up and be productive.

So while I am buzzing around the house washing dishes, folding laundry, mopping floors, feeding babies, hosting preschool playgroup, refereeing screaming 4-year-old arguments, giving potty assistance, trying to work out, teaching one son to read and the other to learn his letters and sounds, or whatever else I find to keep busy, it royally annoys me to watch Ben sit on the couch FOR HOURS playing a rated M War game that is both mesmerizing and highly inappropriate for the impressionable youngsters running around.  Not to mention that it is 50 decibels too loud and so my whole normally peaceful house feels like a war zone.  And I can't take it.  I hate it.  Especially because if any of those above-mentioned activites interrupt or infringe upon Ben's inherent right to enjoy his game, he gets irritated.  With Me.  Whaaaa...?

Of course, I have suggested that we move his system into his office, out of the main area of the house - the room you have to walk through to get to the kitchen or the dining room or to go in the backyard.  His response?  "Well, I want to be with you guys..."  Uhhhhhh....anyone else see the faulty logic in that statement?  I could walk in front of him in nothing but red stiletttos when he is playing XBox 360 and I doubt I would get his attention.  Apparently, our definition of quality time is starkly different.  In mine, a grunt in my general direction when I ask what he would prefer for dinner, does not suffice.

His love for playing this game for hours and watching TV at deafening levels in the living room to take breaks from studying or decompress after work has created friction with me for more than just the obvious reasons.  In spite of his claim that he wants to "be with us," his attitude about coming home has turned into what seems like a feeling of entitlement on his part.  As in, "Ben the Provider is home (insert chest-beating here).  All my minions must now make themselves quiet or scarce, and do my bidding as I holler at you from my chair to bring me something beckon you."  (We actually just had to have it out about him turning off the TV and eating dinner at the table with us.  That bad habit has stopped, thankfully.)  This X Box example is just the biggest example of an attitude that SOMETIMES, yet MORE AND MORE FREQUENTLY rears its ugly head.  (It should be noted that Dr. Ben isn't ALWAYS like this.  Most of the time he is very enjoyable and does spend time with all of us.)

We have long since agreed that when he is out of residency and working, he will have a man-cave, preferably a basement, where he can sleep when he has worked nights and play his games and decompress or whatever he needs to do, without infriging on the peace and quiet of the rest of the house. So here's the point of my rant:

1)  Has anyone else noticed your husband's personality changing as he gets closer and closer to completing residency? As if your desires or daily needs are not as significant as his?  As if when he gets home, all activites are subject to his desires and he should not have to be inconvenienced in any way?

2)  Is this something Dr. Wives just have to learn to deal with and combat?  If so, does anyone have any tricks?

Chick Flicks for Call Nights

PBS series Downton Abbey
A walk to remember
While you were Sleeping
Return to Me
Never Been Kissed
Ever After
Notebook
Wedding Planner
Just Like Heaven
Holiday
Leap Year
Letters to Juliet
Julie and Julia, Killers
Couples Retreat
You Again
The Help
Midnight in Paris
Crazy Stupid Love
BBC made a newer version of Emma (I think in 2009)
Sweet Home Alabama
The Blind Side
The Wedding Date
She's Out of My League
Bridesmaids
Princess Bride
Love Actually
The Devil Wears Prada
Shakespeare in Love
The Big Year
13 going on 30
Pride and prejudice A&E version
Clueless
High School Musicals
Stella
Zoolander
Beaches
Bring it On
Life is Beautiful
Moulin Rouge
Romeo and Juliet
Sleepless in Seattle
Mona Lisa Smile
Fools Rush in
Can't Hardly Wait
Blue Crush
An Education
Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging
The really old version of Yours, Mine and Ours
Just Go with it
That Thing You Do
Waiting for Forever
Benny and June
Mama Mia

Please add any more you can think of in the comments!

Excerpt from novel Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand 1957

“I quit when medicine was placed under State control some years ago,” said Dr. Hendricks. “Do you know what it takes to perform a brain operation? Do you know the kind of skill it demands, and the years of passionate, merciless, excruciating devotion that go to acquire that skill? That was what I could not place at the disposal of men whose sole qualification to rule me was their capacity to spout the fraudulent generalities that got them elected to the privilege of enforcing their wishes at the point of a gun. I would not let them dictate the purpose for which my years of study had been spent, or the conditions of my work, or my choice of patients, or the amount of my reward. I observed that in all the discussions that preceded the enslavement of medicine, men discussed everything—except the desires of the doctors. Men considered only the ‘welfare’ of the patients, with no thought for those who were to provide it. That a doctor should have any right, desire or choice in the matter, was regarded as irrelevant selfishness; his is not to choose, they said, but ‘to serve.’ That a man’s willing to work under compulsion is too dangerous a brute to entrust with a job in the stockyards—never occurred to those who proposed to help the sick by making life impossible for the healthy. I have often wondered at the smugness at which people assert their right to enslave me, to control my work, to force my will, to violate my conscience, to stifle my mind—yet what is it they expect to depend on, when they lie on an operating table under my hands? Their moral code has taught them to believe that it is safe to rely on the virtue of their victims. Well, that is the virtue I have withdrawn. Let them discover the kind of doctors that their system will now produce. Let them discover, in the operating rooms and hospital wards, that it is not safe to place their lives in the hands of a man they have throttled. It is not safe, if he is the sort of man who resents it—and still less safe, if he is the sort who doesn’t.”

8 months

And I will no longer technically be a resident's wife. But is being a fellows wife any different? I'm guessing not, so I'll consider myself a resident's wife for another YEAR and 8 months. Right now we are on an away rotation with DrH. It's interesting how little I realize I need when I'm away from all of my belongings. I took all the kids out of school and we are trying to do all their work from our little apartment here. They are beginning to bounce off the walls. Arrgggg!!!!

Lives of Dr Wives' Book List

and recommended authors


Beat those call night blues with favorite books hand picked by doctor wives:

Book List

Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand

These is my words

Sarah's quilt

The Star Garden

Rapunzel's Revenge by Hale

Calamity Jack by Hale

The Princess Academy

Ender's Game

The Maze Runner (trilogy)

The Giver, Gathering Blue, and The Messenger

Books of Bayern series (Goose Girl, Enna Burning, River Secrets, and Forest Born)

Guernsey Literary Society

The Help

Sarah's Key by Tatiana de Rosnay

Bossypants by Tina Fey

The Forgotten Garden

Discovery of Witches

Pillars of the Earth

Molokai

Last Lecture

The Girls from Ames

Potato Peel Pie Society

Phillippa Gregory

Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare

Blind Your Ponies by Stanley West Gordon

A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness

The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde,

In the Garden of Beasts

Devil in the White City by Erik Larson

Red Princess Series by Lisa See

River of times series by Lisa Bergren

Divergent by Veronica Roth

Pathfinder by Orson Scott card

Water for Elephants

The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo

The Girl who Played with Fire

The Girl who kicked the Hornets Nest
Attachments by Rainbow Rowell
Stephanie Plum Series by Janet Evanovich

My Sister's Keeper
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Eat Pray Love
Bridgett Jones Diary

Author List

Anne Perry

Emily Griffin

Jane green and Jennifer Werner

Nicholas sparks

Shannon Hale

Sharon Shinn

Dresden Files

Marr and Armstrong

Melissa Marr

Jim Butcher

Sharon Shinn

Kelley Armstrong

Karen White
Malcome Gladwell

 

an intern's december

the guy who was in charge of making December's schedule is kind of a joke.  he had a couple of months to prepare it and guess what?  no schedule until Nov. 30th around 10pm.  yep.  and even though he had plenty of lead time, he *still* managed to screw it up.  big time.  look, i know that the new hour restrictions for interns were confusing and annoying to figure out at first.  but it's DECEMBER and they've got a pretty "easy" way of handling the whole thing.  so, looking at the schedule we immediately noticed 3 things:

1) he scheduled Orthoman to be on call the day of his brother's wedding.  after sending out emails and talking to people for months, he had arranged for his one weekend off to be that weekend.  while we weren't surprised, it was really annoying.  he did, however, schedule the following weekend as his "off" weekend.

2) he had illegally scheduled Orthoman.  so not only was he going to be on call during the weekend he was supposed to be off, but he had done so in a way that legally couldn't happen.

3) he was on call Christmas Eve AND New Year's Eve

when you combined #2 and #3, it meant that there was no way to "fix" the schedule.  it had been bungled up in so many ways that there was no repairing it.  after much discussion and debate, one of the REALLY awesome and nice 2nd years took the pager for Orthoman and covered for him.  and guess what?  they let him KEEP the next weekend off!  he offered to take call, but the guy said that since Orthoman was working both holidays he should enjoy the weekend off.  to say that i felt a profound sense of gratitude wouldn't do my feelings justice.

the wedding weekend was really fun, but stressful because he took a red eye Friday night so he could be there Saturday and we came home Sunday.  it was short and busy, but not awful.  we even managed to get some "hang out time" Sunday night after the girl went to bed.  when he was off the following weekend we did a lot of "family" stuff.  the girl was beside herself - her daddy was there for 2 mornings when she woke up!  at one point on Saturday, he was putting on his shoes to take the dog for a walk and she came up to him, gave him a HUGE hug and kiss and said, "bye daddy.  be a good doctor!  love you!"  all without any prompting.  she's already used to this sort of lifestyle i guess.  when he told her he wasnt going to the hospital, she got so excited that she started jumping up and down.  it was heart warming and heart breaking at the same time.

given our recent struggles, it wasnt the easiest weekend.  he didnt feel like going on a date; he wanted to spend time as a family.  it stung, and i was mad, but we talked through it later and i actually ended up agreeing with a lot of his reasons (you're 7.5 months pregnant - you'll be miserable sitting in a movie seat for 2+ hours, save the money for Christmas next weekend, little girl was glued to his hip and begging to snuggle, etc.).  January has a lot of "free" weekends for him so we're planning on doing a lot of "couple things" next month.

we also had this conversation:

me: so you're on call Xmas Eve.  is it safe for me to assume that you dont have any days off since you didnt get to use any vacation time?

orthoman: sorry, no vacation time at all.  we'll have saturday morning and all of sunday once i get home.  that'll be it.

you'll notice that in this (already really long) post i havent mentioned my feelings about his being on call for both holidays and not getting time off.  well, that's really because i dont have strong feelings about it.  i completely expected he would work in Xmas and New Years - he's a intern AND a surgeon.  December is one of those really busy months for surgeons because people are trying to use up the last of their benefits.  so clinic is ridiculous and the ORs are running full speed.  there's also a lot of drinking, partying and all around stupid behavior occurring so the ERs get really busy.  we talked about this LOOOOOONG ago, before medical school even.  people get sick year round without regards to the day on the calendar.

we're also fairly religious and attend services on most Sundays rather than the High Holy Days.  and, as a history nerd, i also dont feel obligated to celebrate on the 25th because what we're really doing is hijacking the festival of Saturnalia (see HERE).  so, rather than be a slave to the calendar, i've always felt pretty flexible about celebrating with my family at a time that best suits us all.  well, it turns out we got an extended christmas present!  Thursday night, about an hour before he was due to come home, Orthoman found out he had Friday off!  it was a complete surprise to all of us.  he stayed late to finish his dictations and when he came home he surprised me with the big news.  after looking at the schedule, he called someone and found out he had MONDAY off too!  so even though he was working on Xmas Eve, we got 2 WHOLE DAYS with him!

i cant tell you how incredible this weekend has been.  our Xmas was small, but the train set we got our little girl has made her the happiest girl in the world.  we spent all Sunday playing it and most of Monday too.  We stayed up late every night to talk and hang out - just the two of us.  i feel like it's given me "breathing room" in the marriage.  i dont the same sense of urgency or perseverance that i did just a few weeks ago (does that even make sense?). we've been able to relax and calm down.  we've had time to remember that we're not just "partners" or spouses, but friends too.  and yes, there was even some major flirting going on.

any rough moments were quickly smoothed over.  i didnt feel burdened, as if i was carrying the entire load on my shoulders.  and really, what better Christmas gift could i get?

Financial Peace or lack there of

I can pinpoint where it all went awry.  We had meticulously saved all of intern year for our big move across the country.  We lived within our means, out of little envelopes of cash.  We had only student loan debt.  Credit cards were debt free and only used for online purchases and paid right back.

We decided to buy a house at our residency location to build equity and so forth.  We knew we'd be there 4 years.  We paid cash for our down payment and the move.  Our savings was gone, but it didn't matter because we would have 4 calm years in a low cost of living area to rebuild.

This was a great plan until hubby's first day of work.  He instantly learned that his "match" was not a "fit."  He was soon offered a position in another specialty somewhere else.  It was what he wanted to do.  We had no funds left and took a leap of faith and used the credit card to pay for the move.

In our new, high cost of living location did not give us any wiggle room in the budget.  The credit card balance kept getting higher as I had to charge things like groceries in order to have the cash for the minimum payment that had gotten enormous.  This sort of thing cannot not go on forever, but we felt absolutely trapped.

Fortunately, family came to our rescue and partially bailed us out.  What has been very hard is to break the cycle.  Cut our expenses to the point where the cash we pay toward our credit card balance comes from extra money, not grocery or rent money.

The whole thing has made me a very unhappy person over the last few years.  I hate to be so unhappy when I have so many blessings I should be happy about.

As you could tell I'm sure from my last blog entry, something had to give.  Since then we have attained our first financial goal in our "get out of debt" plan.  I feel ecstatic!  I am happy that we have a plan and that it has actually been working too!!!!  We have made leaps and bounds in the last few months to combat our personal debt situation. 

Before, when we were in such great financial shape, we had followed the advise given by Dave Ramsey.  I have compiled all my notes from his advise and will be putting them on my personal blog to share with anyone interested.

We have a goal of being credit card debt free by end April!  Just in time to save for our move for fellowship. 

her story

im in unfamiliar territory over here.  the past few months have tested me, my husband and our marriage more than anything we've ever experienced.  there were times that i looked down the path ahead of us, shake my head and then say, "oh, so that's how people get divorced."  there was a subtle build up of anger and frustration that had started to creep up.  the toddler and the pregnancy did not help up either.  both of us were at a loss for how to make things better.  there were issues that needed to be worked through and discussed, but both of you have to be present (and awake) to do that.  it was awful and scary and heartbreaking.  i've been crumbling inside; it's so hard to feel so much pain when you still love someone so madly and passionately.  so when my parents offered to bring me and the bug to Florida with them for my birthday, Orthoman actively encouraged me to go.  even though he couldnt go (freaking intern year) we both knew i really needed the time off.

i spent 10.  10! glorious days in warm, sunny florida.  i saw my bestest that moved matched there and then my family.  incredible doesnt even begin to describe my experience.  and my little bug blossomed under all of the love and attention constantly showered on her.   it was the first real vacation i had taken since my honeymoon.  before that, i had been in middle school.  so basically it had been a really long time.  i felt all of the stress melting away and i started to miss home, which almost surprised me.  i genuinely missed my Orthoman and eagerly anticipated seeing him.  when we talked at night we both sounded so excited to hear from each other.

2 nights before we got home, Orthoman broke down on the phone.  it had been one of the hardest weeks in his life and the fact that i wasnt there for him really hit him.  he needed me and i wasnt there.  he said it made him realize just how much i do for him and how important i am to him.  while i ached because he was hurting, it healed some of what i was struggling with.  i was so ready to go home!  not only that, but he was going to have the entire weekend off when we got back!  2 full days of Orthoman was beyond bliss!!!

so when i got home i was shocked with the cold.  it was cold weather and a surprisingly cold person.  after that initial warm reception at the airport, it became VERY clear VERY quickly that i had misinterpreted the conversation we had the other night.  rather than seeing an appreciative and loving husband, for the first time in our entire relationship he was resentful!  which was terrifying because it's such a departure from his personality.

i was completely paralyzed and stayed silent.  yes, he DID need a vacation too.  i know that, he knows that, and if he could have come then he would have been there too.  but guess what, it's not my fault he cant take time off in this rotation.  i didnt scheme with my parents to exclude him from this trip - they have a timeshare and guess what?  it's the same week EVERY YEAR.  sorry dear, no diabolical plot here.

now dont get me wrong.  there's a line between sharing experiences and throwing something in your face.  i tried so hard and was so mindful of it that i always erred on the side of caution.  but i didnt expect to get cold looks when my daughter walks around with her new, beloved Mickey doll and i tell the story of how she "conned" grampaw into getting it for her.  i learned that as long as we talked about him and only him we would be on safe territory, which was exactly the same place we were when we left.  great.

i didnt expect all of our problems to just disappear because i had gone on vacation.  and obviously they didnt, but i didnt expect this new beast to enter the picture.  since when is my Bubbie resentful?!  when did he become "that guy"?  oh god.  was he starting to turn into that douche-bag surgeon everyone hates?

but that wasnt all that was different. *i* was different this round.

while i was gone i did some serious thinking and took full advantage of the 5 other pairs of hands available to help with my little one.  now, i was ready to step in the ring.  i left home feeling completely drained and empty.  i had no fight left in me and wasnt sure i could make it.  i didnt know what i wanted or if i was up to the challenge.  but now?  now i KNEW that i wanted to make things work.  i KNEW that i could handle whatever was going to come up.  i KNEW that i was strong enough.

and let me tell you - it's been a fight.  i have had to fight and struggle and claw my way back.  but once i made it clear that i wasnt going to let him give up and that i was still "in the game", things have started to change.  and thank god they have!  we were blessed with thanksgiving AND that friday off.  WE have been working our asses off on making things better.  we've made sure to take advantage of every moment we've had together both as a family and as a couple.  even though the money isnt really there, HE said to get a babysitter this week.  suddenly, im not doing all the emotional work for both of us. instead of getting home, playing with the Bug and then going straight to bed, Orthoman stays up later to talk to me.  sometimes it's only 15 minutes, but that's 15 really important minutes!

things arent perfect, but they're so much better than they were.  i have confidence not just in Orthoman, but in ME!  i never imagined it would be this hard when we first started, but i also never imagined i would find it so rewarding too.  our marriage means more to me now because it's not easy anymore.  our first 5 years have been relatively easy and we're definitely not in that honeymoon phase anymore.  but that's okay now.  i cant take our relationship for granted right now because we've put so much into it.  so if you're going through this struggle, know that it can be better.  it can improve.  you do have that fight in you.

after he fell asleep, i kissed my Orthoman goodnight and started to cry.  but unlike the past few months, i wasnt crying because i was unhappy, frustrated or mad.  i cried because i remembered how much i loved him and knew we were going to be okay.  

So tired; so over it

Oh so tired.  Everytime I sit down to blog, I am too tired to collect my thoughts and try to rationally organize them into a readable format. 

Part of that is being 8 months pregnant.

The other part is being so tired of residency.

I officially have 10 months left as a resident's wife. 

I love where we live.  I am so glad I've had the opportunity in my life to spend 3 years on the seashore.  My kids have loved every second of it. 

What exhausts my mind is constantly being short on money.  Trying to get blood from turnips.  There is just too much month for the money, each and every month.

I am aching for relief. 

We are anticipating our move at the end of residency with mixed feelings.  

I am trying to figure out how to take -nothing- and move our family of 6 to Washington DC for fellowship. 

My hubby is so excited to be a fellow and thinks -very little- and stresses -none- about how this is going to happen.  Of course he doesn't stress, because he knows that he can go about his business and my stressing will eventually result in my coming up with a solution.  It always does.

We decided at the start of residency that we didn't want to take out any more loans.  We took out lots during medical school.  Our other friends here HAVE taken out loans during residency and they never seem stressed or strapped like I feel.  We ended up so behind at one point that Chad eventually went to his family for a loan.  It got us part way out of the hole, but I'm striving to dig us out the rest of the way in time to save some money for the move. 

I think it has just come down to being over it.  Over residency that is.  Only 10 months premature.

Announcement

Allyson Anne Blake

Born October 11, 2011 at 6:27pm

6 lbs, 12 ozs, 19 inches

We are home and back to our normal routine now, albeit a bit slower than normal. Thankfully, Ben starts a M-F 7-5 rotation this month, so I'll have a bit more help with all three kiddos. :) Hope you are all doing well!

deep breath

our easy rotations are almost over.  we had 2 months that were essentially hospital-free.  now, orthoman is on a Rehab rotation where he's working 7:30 - 5 everyday.  a few mornings a week he goes in early for lecture, but he'll be home before 5 almost every day.  and of course there are no weekends!  so for the month of september, we're on a schedule that more closely resembles the rest of the world.  weird.  

and in case you're upset that he's had it so "easy", just remember that we're in orthopedics.  so come October 1st, he's gone.  forever.  

okay, maybe not forever, but it'll get insane.  

and because we're both a little crazy, and stupid, we were shocked when we learned that we got pregnant after the miscarriage in early june!  so, im 14 weeks pregnant and due to have a baby the first week that he starts his 4 month Gen. Surgery trauma rotation.  you know, the one with the most awful hours.  the one where he can only take 1 (preschedule) week of vacation THE ENTIRE 4 MONTHS.  on the bright side, at least we'll both be zombies at the same time, albeit in different locations, but now he'll be able to appreciate what i went through with our 1st kid.

so im excited.  and terrified.  but mostly, im trying to not let medicine rule my life.  i feel like it's been permeating everything in my life for the past year and im over it.  we interviewed.  we matched.  we moved.  now it's time to settle in and get on with life already.  orthoman wont be around a lot, but how is that different than the past 2 years?  ive made due then, and ill make due now.  there's almost a sense of relief because residency is NOW.  it's no longer this looming cloud over our heads.  we know where we're living, we know where he's working.  so many questions have been answered!  

fellowship is a whole other beast, but at least we dont have to consider that for a while, right???