Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Not Enough of Me to Give

Lately I have been so cranky with Ben, my MSIV hubby. I know rotations take their toll on our med students/resident husbands with the ever-changing schedules and essentially starting a new job every 4-6 weeks with all new co-workers and the likes, but it is hard on us wives, too! I want to support him and make his day better, but by the end of MY day, I often feel like I have nothing left to give!

For the last 3 years, I have been running an in-home preschool in Fort Worth, TX with 10 kids, average age of 3 years, (2 are mine) so that I can stay home with our own kiddos, thus saving on child care and bringing home an income of around $4,000 a month. I like being home with my kids, and I like teaching, but so many days I am so worn out and pulled in so many directions that by the end of the day I want someone to listen to ME whine and vent about how so-and-so did this and how Sam (my 18 monther) threw up on me twice because of his drainage-and-bad-gag-reflex combo. I work hard! I want someone to feel sorry for ME and rub MY feet and pamper ME. The last time I tried to vent to Ben, he told me about how 2 kids passed away during his shift at the children's hospital he was rotating in at the time. That sure made me feel crappy about my trivial gripes.

When Ben was MSI, I had just had my first child, and I had quit teaching public school to stay home with Jackson and to get my business set up. I worked out every morning for 2+ hours, made awesome dinners from scratch, made his lunch every day, spent all day playing and teaching solely Jackson, and my house was always clean. I was eager for Ben to get home and listen about his experiences at school, and share things about my day. We actually interacted and supported each other, whereas now I feel like we are both so exhausted that we live in divide and conquer mode. When home, he's working on the little honey do's like unclogging a sink that hasn't been draining properly for a month, or taking the 7 year old Dodge Neon in to replace an oil pump. I'm doing the everyday stuff on my own, like cooking meals, bathing the boys, picking up the house. We rarely interact anymore and certainly don't have money for a babysitter AND the cost of a night out. We always say, "Just wait until ___ time, then we'll be really living it up. It'll all be worth it then!" But does anyone ever worry that they won't make it to that time!?


  1. Boy do I! I am half certain either a giant meteor or a hot nurse is going to ruin everything~

    I was perusing an old journal of mine from Chad's first year of medical school. I had just completed my Masters. We moved to OKC and lived downtown and I had no steady job there, only temp work and a two year old in tow.

    In my journal I was going on about what to do with myself. I was beyond bored and had no money. In this journal entry I was trying to fill my days with watching all the extra disks for "Lord of the Rings."

    That and baking for his Mod group and dinners from scratch and a squeaky clean house filled my days.

    I won't bore you with the details of my exhausting life these days, but with the 3 kids lets just say I'm spread super thin.

    Last night Chad told me he didn't like the way I was acting. "Tired"? I say. "You don't like the way I act tired." Well, that's just unfortunate.

  2. Oh wow it sounds like you are going through a rough time. :-( That said, we have gone through this too (several times) and I think it's just a normal part of the medicine marriage experience. (Honestly, it's probably a part of any marriage to some extent.)

    I just know that when we force ourselves to make time for each other, we are SO MUCH happier. Even though sometimes it seems impossible (and we don't have kids, which I'm sure just adds to the difficulty of trying to connect).

    Do you have any friends in the area? Or know any other moms who might be willing to trade you for babysitting duties one night?

    Obviously, you don't need any advice - I just understand so completely what you're going through. It will get better - hang in there.

    (Also if my husband responded to my venting with "well, two kids died on my service" I would get mad. Yes, I understand there's a time for perspective. But there's also time for letting your wife spill all her frustration. Just because you whine a little doesn't mean you don't understand how blessed you are. GAH. Of course, he probably needs to vent to you to, and share the sorrow that comes with having patients die... But he shouldn't do it in a way that belittles your feelings. Okay, rant over.)

  3. I just found your blog! I am wife to an MSII and mother to a 9 month old. I already feel like we may never get 'there.' You have so much on your plate and you deserve to 'whine' and be 'dined' sometime too! Can you guys go on a free date (walk with a homemade picnic at a park)? Do you have any good friend that babysit as a favor? I think it would help if you guys could have a real talk!

    Woah, sorry for the advice... I mostly just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that you shouldn't feel bad for wanting to vent and be heard! Hope things start looking up!

  4. Ah, that stinks.
    It's so hard. Life, especially with kids and work and all the rest, is a very intricate balancing act that I am not sure we are able to achieve. I mean, we can do it the very best we know how - but perfection... let me know if you find it!
    The bottom line is that you two need to recharge. Honestly, I would do whatever it took just to have some time - the two of you - getting back to just enjoying being around each other.
    It's so important to nurture and take care of your marriage - just like you would watering a plant. (I know, that sound stupid... but I'm serious!! lol)
    *Hugs* to you.
    All of this is so hard... and then comes residency and it takes on a whole new level of hard (a different kind.)
    You both need to take care of each other as hard as it is to even think about that right.
    Thinking of you guys!

  5. I don't know if this is the place to vent about this, but I'm so mad! I have known this girl since med school. Her hubby just finished residency this summer. She was thrilled to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He left her (and her 2 young kids) this summer. Where is her light at the end of this crappy tunnel?! Argh.

  6. You posted this a long time ago but I'm just finding this blog...:) Just want to say sorry and thank you. Sorry you are going through this "rough time" and thank you for sharing because we get to this "rough patch" every few months/weeks? I don't have a good sense of time anymore. Sometimes a day feels like a week and a week feels like a month....probably bc DH is working a months worth of hours most normal people work in a week, right?! We were in medical school in Dallas and are now in surgery residency in Ohio. We have a two year old daughter and like I said before just as soon as I want to pinch myself that life is good, something happens and we get all stressed out, pissed off and go into debt for a "date night". You definitely want to make time for each other. Some times you can't afford not to have a date night, even though you can't afford the date night...if that makes sense. Good luck! I don't know if this is normal for all marriages but I can sympathize it is normal for a medical marriage.