an intern's december

the guy who was in charge of making December's schedule is kind of a joke.  he had a couple of months to prepare it and guess what?  no schedule until Nov. 30th around 10pm.  yep.  and even though he had plenty of lead time, he *still* managed to screw it up.  big time.  look, i know that the new hour restrictions for interns were confusing and annoying to figure out at first.  but it's DECEMBER and they've got a pretty "easy" way of handling the whole thing.  so, looking at the schedule we immediately noticed 3 things:

1) he scheduled Orthoman to be on call the day of his brother's wedding.  after sending out emails and talking to people for months, he had arranged for his one weekend off to be that weekend.  while we weren't surprised, it was really annoying.  he did, however, schedule the following weekend as his "off" weekend.

2) he had illegally scheduled Orthoman.  so not only was he going to be on call during the weekend he was supposed to be off, but he had done so in a way that legally couldn't happen.

3) he was on call Christmas Eve AND New Year's Eve

when you combined #2 and #3, it meant that there was no way to "fix" the schedule.  it had been bungled up in so many ways that there was no repairing it.  after much discussion and debate, one of the REALLY awesome and nice 2nd years took the pager for Orthoman and covered for him.  and guess what?  they let him KEEP the next weekend off!  he offered to take call, but the guy said that since Orthoman was working both holidays he should enjoy the weekend off.  to say that i felt a profound sense of gratitude wouldn't do my feelings justice.

the wedding weekend was really fun, but stressful because he took a red eye Friday night so he could be there Saturday and we came home Sunday.  it was short and busy, but not awful.  we even managed to get some "hang out time" Sunday night after the girl went to bed.  when he was off the following weekend we did a lot of "family" stuff.  the girl was beside herself - her daddy was there for 2 mornings when she woke up!  at one point on Saturday, he was putting on his shoes to take the dog for a walk and she came up to him, gave him a HUGE hug and kiss and said, "bye daddy.  be a good doctor!  love you!"  all without any prompting.  she's already used to this sort of lifestyle i guess.  when he told her he wasnt going to the hospital, she got so excited that she started jumping up and down.  it was heart warming and heart breaking at the same time.

given our recent struggles, it wasnt the easiest weekend.  he didnt feel like going on a date; he wanted to spend time as a family.  it stung, and i was mad, but we talked through it later and i actually ended up agreeing with a lot of his reasons (you're 7.5 months pregnant - you'll be miserable sitting in a movie seat for 2+ hours, save the money for Christmas next weekend, little girl was glued to his hip and begging to snuggle, etc.).  January has a lot of "free" weekends for him so we're planning on doing a lot of "couple things" next month.

we also had this conversation:

me: so you're on call Xmas Eve.  is it safe for me to assume that you dont have any days off since you didnt get to use any vacation time?

orthoman: sorry, no vacation time at all.  we'll have saturday morning and all of sunday once i get home.  that'll be it.

you'll notice that in this (already really long) post i havent mentioned my feelings about his being on call for both holidays and not getting time off.  well, that's really because i dont have strong feelings about it.  i completely expected he would work in Xmas and New Years - he's a intern AND a surgeon.  December is one of those really busy months for surgeons because people are trying to use up the last of their benefits.  so clinic is ridiculous and the ORs are running full speed.  there's also a lot of drinking, partying and all around stupid behavior occurring so the ERs get really busy.  we talked about this LOOOOOONG ago, before medical school even.  people get sick year round without regards to the day on the calendar.

we're also fairly religious and attend services on most Sundays rather than the High Holy Days.  and, as a history nerd, i also dont feel obligated to celebrate on the 25th because what we're really doing is hijacking the festival of Saturnalia (see HERE).  so, rather than be a slave to the calendar, i've always felt pretty flexible about celebrating with my family at a time that best suits us all.  well, it turns out we got an extended christmas present!  Thursday night, about an hour before he was due to come home, Orthoman found out he had Friday off!  it was a complete surprise to all of us.  he stayed late to finish his dictations and when he came home he surprised me with the big news.  after looking at the schedule, he called someone and found out he had MONDAY off too!  so even though he was working on Xmas Eve, we got 2 WHOLE DAYS with him!

i cant tell you how incredible this weekend has been.  our Xmas was small, but the train set we got our little girl has made her the happiest girl in the world.  we spent all Sunday playing it and most of Monday too.  We stayed up late every night to talk and hang out - just the two of us.  i feel like it's given me "breathing room" in the marriage.  i dont the same sense of urgency or perseverance that i did just a few weeks ago (does that even make sense?). we've been able to relax and calm down.  we've had time to remember that we're not just "partners" or spouses, but friends too.  and yes, there was even some major flirting going on.

any rough moments were quickly smoothed over.  i didnt feel burdened, as if i was carrying the entire load on my shoulders.  and really, what better Christmas gift could i get?

Financial Peace or lack there of

I can pinpoint where it all went awry.  We had meticulously saved all of intern year for our big move across the country.  We lived within our means, out of little envelopes of cash.  We had only student loan debt.  Credit cards were debt free and only used for online purchases and paid right back.

We decided to buy a house at our residency location to build equity and so forth.  We knew we'd be there 4 years.  We paid cash for our down payment and the move.  Our savings was gone, but it didn't matter because we would have 4 calm years in a low cost of living area to rebuild.

This was a great plan until hubby's first day of work.  He instantly learned that his "match" was not a "fit."  He was soon offered a position in another specialty somewhere else.  It was what he wanted to do.  We had no funds left and took a leap of faith and used the credit card to pay for the move.

In our new, high cost of living location did not give us any wiggle room in the budget.  The credit card balance kept getting higher as I had to charge things like groceries in order to have the cash for the minimum payment that had gotten enormous.  This sort of thing cannot not go on forever, but we felt absolutely trapped.

Fortunately, family came to our rescue and partially bailed us out.  What has been very hard is to break the cycle.  Cut our expenses to the point where the cash we pay toward our credit card balance comes from extra money, not grocery or rent money.

The whole thing has made me a very unhappy person over the last few years.  I hate to be so unhappy when I have so many blessings I should be happy about.

As you could tell I'm sure from my last blog entry, something had to give.  Since then we have attained our first financial goal in our "get out of debt" plan.  I feel ecstatic!  I am happy that we have a plan and that it has actually been working too!!!!  We have made leaps and bounds in the last few months to combat our personal debt situation. 

Before, when we were in such great financial shape, we had followed the advise given by Dave Ramsey.  I have compiled all my notes from his advise and will be putting them on my personal blog to share with anyone interested.

We have a goal of being credit card debt free by end April!  Just in time to save for our move for fellowship. 

her story

im in unfamiliar territory over here.  the past few months have tested me, my husband and our marriage more than anything we've ever experienced.  there were times that i looked down the path ahead of us, shake my head and then say, "oh, so that's how people get divorced."  there was a subtle build up of anger and frustration that had started to creep up.  the toddler and the pregnancy did not help up either.  both of us were at a loss for how to make things better.  there were issues that needed to be worked through and discussed, but both of you have to be present (and awake) to do that.  it was awful and scary and heartbreaking.  i've been crumbling inside; it's so hard to feel so much pain when you still love someone so madly and passionately.  so when my parents offered to bring me and the bug to Florida with them for my birthday, Orthoman actively encouraged me to go.  even though he couldnt go (freaking intern year) we both knew i really needed the time off.

i spent 10.  10! glorious days in warm, sunny florida.  i saw my bestest that moved matched there and then my family.  incredible doesnt even begin to describe my experience.  and my little bug blossomed under all of the love and attention constantly showered on her.   it was the first real vacation i had taken since my honeymoon.  before that, i had been in middle school.  so basically it had been a really long time.  i felt all of the stress melting away and i started to miss home, which almost surprised me.  i genuinely missed my Orthoman and eagerly anticipated seeing him.  when we talked at night we both sounded so excited to hear from each other.

2 nights before we got home, Orthoman broke down on the phone.  it had been one of the hardest weeks in his life and the fact that i wasnt there for him really hit him.  he needed me and i wasnt there.  he said it made him realize just how much i do for him and how important i am to him.  while i ached because he was hurting, it healed some of what i was struggling with.  i was so ready to go home!  not only that, but he was going to have the entire weekend off when we got back!  2 full days of Orthoman was beyond bliss!!!

so when i got home i was shocked with the cold.  it was cold weather and a surprisingly cold person.  after that initial warm reception at the airport, it became VERY clear VERY quickly that i had misinterpreted the conversation we had the other night.  rather than seeing an appreciative and loving husband, for the first time in our entire relationship he was resentful!  which was terrifying because it's such a departure from his personality.

i was completely paralyzed and stayed silent.  yes, he DID need a vacation too.  i know that, he knows that, and if he could have come then he would have been there too.  but guess what, it's not my fault he cant take time off in this rotation.  i didnt scheme with my parents to exclude him from this trip - they have a timeshare and guess what?  it's the same week EVERY YEAR.  sorry dear, no diabolical plot here.

now dont get me wrong.  there's a line between sharing experiences and throwing something in your face.  i tried so hard and was so mindful of it that i always erred on the side of caution.  but i didnt expect to get cold looks when my daughter walks around with her new, beloved Mickey doll and i tell the story of how she "conned" grampaw into getting it for her.  i learned that as long as we talked about him and only him we would be on safe territory, which was exactly the same place we were when we left.  great.

i didnt expect all of our problems to just disappear because i had gone on vacation.  and obviously they didnt, but i didnt expect this new beast to enter the picture.  since when is my Bubbie resentful?!  when did he become "that guy"?  oh god.  was he starting to turn into that douche-bag surgeon everyone hates?

but that wasnt all that was different. *i* was different this round.

while i was gone i did some serious thinking and took full advantage of the 5 other pairs of hands available to help with my little one.  now, i was ready to step in the ring.  i left home feeling completely drained and empty.  i had no fight left in me and wasnt sure i could make it.  i didnt know what i wanted or if i was up to the challenge.  but now?  now i KNEW that i wanted to make things work.  i KNEW that i could handle whatever was going to come up.  i KNEW that i was strong enough.

and let me tell you - it's been a fight.  i have had to fight and struggle and claw my way back.  but once i made it clear that i wasnt going to let him give up and that i was still "in the game", things have started to change.  and thank god they have!  we were blessed with thanksgiving AND that friday off.  WE have been working our asses off on making things better.  we've made sure to take advantage of every moment we've had together both as a family and as a couple.  even though the money isnt really there, HE said to get a babysitter this week.  suddenly, im not doing all the emotional work for both of us. instead of getting home, playing with the Bug and then going straight to bed, Orthoman stays up later to talk to me.  sometimes it's only 15 minutes, but that's 15 really important minutes!

things arent perfect, but they're so much better than they were.  i have confidence not just in Orthoman, but in ME!  i never imagined it would be this hard when we first started, but i also never imagined i would find it so rewarding too.  our marriage means more to me now because it's not easy anymore.  our first 5 years have been relatively easy and we're definitely not in that honeymoon phase anymore.  but that's okay now.  i cant take our relationship for granted right now because we've put so much into it.  so if you're going through this struggle, know that it can be better.  it can improve.  you do have that fight in you.

after he fell asleep, i kissed my Orthoman goodnight and started to cry.  but unlike the past few months, i wasnt crying because i was unhappy, frustrated or mad.  i cried because i remembered how much i loved him and knew we were going to be okay.  

So tired; so over it

Oh so tired.  Everytime I sit down to blog, I am too tired to collect my thoughts and try to rationally organize them into a readable format. 

Part of that is being 8 months pregnant.

The other part is being so tired of residency.

I officially have 10 months left as a resident's wife. 

I love where we live.  I am so glad I've had the opportunity in my life to spend 3 years on the seashore.  My kids have loved every second of it. 

What exhausts my mind is constantly being short on money.  Trying to get blood from turnips.  There is just too much month for the money, each and every month.

I am aching for relief. 

We are anticipating our move at the end of residency with mixed feelings.  

I am trying to figure out how to take -nothing- and move our family of 6 to Washington DC for fellowship. 

My hubby is so excited to be a fellow and thinks -very little- and stresses -none- about how this is going to happen.  Of course he doesn't stress, because he knows that he can go about his business and my stressing will eventually result in my coming up with a solution.  It always does.

We decided at the start of residency that we didn't want to take out any more loans.  We took out lots during medical school.  Our other friends here HAVE taken out loans during residency and they never seem stressed or strapped like I feel.  We ended up so behind at one point that Chad eventually went to his family for a loan.  It got us part way out of the hole, but I'm striving to dig us out the rest of the way in time to save some money for the move. 

I think it has just come down to being over it.  Over residency that is.  Only 10 months premature.

Announcement

Allyson Anne Blake

Born October 11, 2011 at 6:27pm

6 lbs, 12 ozs, 19 inches

We are home and back to our normal routine now, albeit a bit slower than normal. Thankfully, Ben starts a M-F 7-5 rotation this month, so I'll have a bit more help with all three kiddos. :) Hope you are all doing well!

deep breath

our easy rotations are almost over.  we had 2 months that were essentially hospital-free.  now, orthoman is on a Rehab rotation where he's working 7:30 - 5 everyday.  a few mornings a week he goes in early for lecture, but he'll be home before 5 almost every day.  and of course there are no weekends!  so for the month of september, we're on a schedule that more closely resembles the rest of the world.  weird.  

and in case you're upset that he's had it so "easy", just remember that we're in orthopedics.  so come October 1st, he's gone.  forever.  

okay, maybe not forever, but it'll get insane.  

and because we're both a little crazy, and stupid, we were shocked when we learned that we got pregnant after the miscarriage in early june!  so, im 14 weeks pregnant and due to have a baby the first week that he starts his 4 month Gen. Surgery trauma rotation.  you know, the one with the most awful hours.  the one where he can only take 1 (preschedule) week of vacation THE ENTIRE 4 MONTHS.  on the bright side, at least we'll both be zombies at the same time, albeit in different locations, but now he'll be able to appreciate what i went through with our 1st kid.

so im excited.  and terrified.  but mostly, im trying to not let medicine rule my life.  i feel like it's been permeating everything in my life for the past year and im over it.  we interviewed.  we matched.  we moved.  now it's time to settle in and get on with life already.  orthoman wont be around a lot, but how is that different than the past 2 years?  ive made due then, and ill make due now.  there's almost a sense of relief because residency is NOW.  it's no longer this looming cloud over our heads.  we know where we're living, we know where he's working.  so many questions have been answered!  

fellowship is a whole other beast, but at least we dont have to consider that for a while, right???

Jealousy is in the eye of the beholder

It's been a full year since being home.  This week while visiting my hometown I had a good friend come over and bring her children to swim.  Back when we left home (after med school) to seek our fortune (residency) this particular friend had it all goin' on.  She had a lavish home, Land Rover, Boat w/ accompanying wave runners etc...  I remember thinking, "Gosh, this is what life is like when your husband isn't in medicine!"  I was happy for her good fortune with slight pangs of envy. 

The kids played as I gave her an update on our life status and told her about our plans for then next few years for residency and fellowship.  I shared my frustration of having been married for 11 years and always qualifying for government assistance.  And about how tight money always is.

While visiting I found out that she and her husbands' house flipping business had flopped.  She had to sell everything they had - cars, boats and house and she is leaving her 4 kids with hubby at night to wait tables (this is after she quit her night job at Sonic).  They are now living in someone else's foreclosing house until the bank takes it over.  I was devastated for her! 

She looked and me and said, "Stacie, I am so jealous of you."  ME?  of all people to be jealous of?  Me?  Did you not hear about how in debt we are and broke we've been over that last 11 years?  How could that be possible?  I finally asked, "Why on Earth would you be jealous of us?"

"Because you have a plan."  She said.

Oh.  Interesting.  hmmm