her story

im in unfamiliar territory over here.  the past few months have tested me, my husband and our marriage more than anything we've ever experienced.  there were times that i looked down the path ahead of us, shake my head and then say, "oh, so that's how people get divorced."  there was a subtle build up of anger and frustration that had started to creep up.  the toddler and the pregnancy did not help up either.  both of us were at a loss for how to make things better.  there were issues that needed to be worked through and discussed, but both of you have to be present (and awake) to do that.  it was awful and scary and heartbreaking.  i've been crumbling inside; it's so hard to feel so much pain when you still love someone so madly and passionately.  so when my parents offered to bring me and the bug to Florida with them for my birthday, Orthoman actively encouraged me to go.  even though he couldnt go (freaking intern year) we both knew i really needed the time off.

i spent 10.  10! glorious days in warm, sunny florida.  i saw my bestest that moved matched there and then my family.  incredible doesnt even begin to describe my experience.  and my little bug blossomed under all of the love and attention constantly showered on her.   it was the first real vacation i had taken since my honeymoon.  before that, i had been in middle school.  so basically it had been a really long time.  i felt all of the stress melting away and i started to miss home, which almost surprised me.  i genuinely missed my Orthoman and eagerly anticipated seeing him.  when we talked at night we both sounded so excited to hear from each other.

2 nights before we got home, Orthoman broke down on the phone.  it had been one of the hardest weeks in his life and the fact that i wasnt there for him really hit him.  he needed me and i wasnt there.  he said it made him realize just how much i do for him and how important i am to him.  while i ached because he was hurting, it healed some of what i was struggling with.  i was so ready to go home!  not only that, but he was going to have the entire weekend off when we got back!  2 full days of Orthoman was beyond bliss!!!

so when i got home i was shocked with the cold.  it was cold weather and a surprisingly cold person.  after that initial warm reception at the airport, it became VERY clear VERY quickly that i had misinterpreted the conversation we had the other night.  rather than seeing an appreciative and loving husband, for the first time in our entire relationship he was resentful!  which was terrifying because it's such a departure from his personality.

i was completely paralyzed and stayed silent.  yes, he DID need a vacation too.  i know that, he knows that, and if he could have come then he would have been there too.  but guess what, it's not my fault he cant take time off in this rotation.  i didnt scheme with my parents to exclude him from this trip - they have a timeshare and guess what?  it's the same week EVERY YEAR.  sorry dear, no diabolical plot here.

now dont get me wrong.  there's a line between sharing experiences and throwing something in your face.  i tried so hard and was so mindful of it that i always erred on the side of caution.  but i didnt expect to get cold looks when my daughter walks around with her new, beloved Mickey doll and i tell the story of how she "conned" grampaw into getting it for her.  i learned that as long as we talked about him and only him we would be on safe territory, which was exactly the same place we were when we left.  great.

i didnt expect all of our problems to just disappear because i had gone on vacation.  and obviously they didnt, but i didnt expect this new beast to enter the picture.  since when is my Bubbie resentful?!  when did he become "that guy"?  oh god.  was he starting to turn into that douche-bag surgeon everyone hates?

but that wasnt all that was different. *i* was different this round.

while i was gone i did some serious thinking and took full advantage of the 5 other pairs of hands available to help with my little one.  now, i was ready to step in the ring.  i left home feeling completely drained and empty.  i had no fight left in me and wasnt sure i could make it.  i didnt know what i wanted or if i was up to the challenge.  but now?  now i KNEW that i wanted to make things work.  i KNEW that i could handle whatever was going to come up.  i KNEW that i was strong enough.

and let me tell you - it's been a fight.  i have had to fight and struggle and claw my way back.  but once i made it clear that i wasnt going to let him give up and that i was still "in the game", things have started to change.  and thank god they have!  we were blessed with thanksgiving AND that friday off.  WE have been working our asses off on making things better.  we've made sure to take advantage of every moment we've had together both as a family and as a couple.  even though the money isnt really there, HE said to get a babysitter this week.  suddenly, im not doing all the emotional work for both of us. instead of getting home, playing with the Bug and then going straight to bed, Orthoman stays up later to talk to me.  sometimes it's only 15 minutes, but that's 15 really important minutes!

things arent perfect, but they're so much better than they were.  i have confidence not just in Orthoman, but in ME!  i never imagined it would be this hard when we first started, but i also never imagined i would find it so rewarding too.  our marriage means more to me now because it's not easy anymore.  our first 5 years have been relatively easy and we're definitely not in that honeymoon phase anymore.  but that's okay now.  i cant take our relationship for granted right now because we've put so much into it.  so if you're going through this struggle, know that it can be better.  it can improve.  you do have that fight in you.

after he fell asleep, i kissed my Orthoman goodnight and started to cry.  but unlike the past few months, i wasnt crying because i was unhappy, frustrated or mad.  i cried because i remembered how much i loved him and knew we were going to be okay.  

So tired; so over it

Oh so tired.  Everytime I sit down to blog, I am too tired to collect my thoughts and try to rationally organize them into a readable format. 

Part of that is being 8 months pregnant.

The other part is being so tired of residency.

I officially have 10 months left as a resident's wife. 

I love where we live.  I am so glad I've had the opportunity in my life to spend 3 years on the seashore.  My kids have loved every second of it. 

What exhausts my mind is constantly being short on money.  Trying to get blood from turnips.  There is just too much month for the money, each and every month.

I am aching for relief. 

We are anticipating our move at the end of residency with mixed feelings.  

I am trying to figure out how to take -nothing- and move our family of 6 to Washington DC for fellowship. 

My hubby is so excited to be a fellow and thinks -very little- and stresses -none- about how this is going to happen.  Of course he doesn't stress, because he knows that he can go about his business and my stressing will eventually result in my coming up with a solution.  It always does.

We decided at the start of residency that we didn't want to take out any more loans.  We took out lots during medical school.  Our other friends here HAVE taken out loans during residency and they never seem stressed or strapped like I feel.  We ended up so behind at one point that Chad eventually went to his family for a loan.  It got us part way out of the hole, but I'm striving to dig us out the rest of the way in time to save some money for the move. 

I think it has just come down to being over it.  Over residency that is.  Only 10 months premature.

Announcement

Allyson Anne Blake

Born October 11, 2011 at 6:27pm

6 lbs, 12 ozs, 19 inches

We are home and back to our normal routine now, albeit a bit slower than normal. Thankfully, Ben starts a M-F 7-5 rotation this month, so I'll have a bit more help with all three kiddos. :) Hope you are all doing well!

deep breath

our easy rotations are almost over.  we had 2 months that were essentially hospital-free.  now, orthoman is on a Rehab rotation where he's working 7:30 - 5 everyday.  a few mornings a week he goes in early for lecture, but he'll be home before 5 almost every day.  and of course there are no weekends!  so for the month of september, we're on a schedule that more closely resembles the rest of the world.  weird.  

and in case you're upset that he's had it so "easy", just remember that we're in orthopedics.  so come October 1st, he's gone.  forever.  

okay, maybe not forever, but it'll get insane.  

and because we're both a little crazy, and stupid, we were shocked when we learned that we got pregnant after the miscarriage in early june!  so, im 14 weeks pregnant and due to have a baby the first week that he starts his 4 month Gen. Surgery trauma rotation.  you know, the one with the most awful hours.  the one where he can only take 1 (preschedule) week of vacation THE ENTIRE 4 MONTHS.  on the bright side, at least we'll both be zombies at the same time, albeit in different locations, but now he'll be able to appreciate what i went through with our 1st kid.

so im excited.  and terrified.  but mostly, im trying to not let medicine rule my life.  i feel like it's been permeating everything in my life for the past year and im over it.  we interviewed.  we matched.  we moved.  now it's time to settle in and get on with life already.  orthoman wont be around a lot, but how is that different than the past 2 years?  ive made due then, and ill make due now.  there's almost a sense of relief because residency is NOW.  it's no longer this looming cloud over our heads.  we know where we're living, we know where he's working.  so many questions have been answered!  

fellowship is a whole other beast, but at least we dont have to consider that for a while, right???

Jealousy is in the eye of the beholder

It's been a full year since being home.  This week while visiting my hometown I had a good friend come over and bring her children to swim.  Back when we left home (after med school) to seek our fortune (residency) this particular friend had it all goin' on.  She had a lavish home, Land Rover, Boat w/ accompanying wave runners etc...  I remember thinking, "Gosh, this is what life is like when your husband isn't in medicine!"  I was happy for her good fortune with slight pangs of envy. 

The kids played as I gave her an update on our life status and told her about our plans for then next few years for residency and fellowship.  I shared my frustration of having been married for 11 years and always qualifying for government assistance.  And about how tight money always is.

While visiting I found out that she and her husbands' house flipping business had flopped.  She had to sell everything they had - cars, boats and house and she is leaving her 4 kids with hubby at night to wait tables (this is after she quit her night job at Sonic).  They are now living in someone else's foreclosing house until the bank takes it over.  I was devastated for her! 

She looked and me and said, "Stacie, I am so jealous of you."  ME?  of all people to be jealous of?  Me?  Did you not hear about how in debt we are and broke we've been over that last 11 years?  How could that be possible?  I finally asked, "Why on Earth would you be jealous of us?"

"Because you have a plan."  She said.

Oh.  Interesting.  hmmm

audience participation - MYTHS

okay girlies, i think it's time to have some fun here. after reading Mrs. F's latest post, i started to think about the Doctor's Wife Myths. so here's how this is going to work. i'm going to start by putting down a few of my favorite myths. then, you're going to jump in and continue the list in the comments sections. it seems like there are just a few, but then, once you start thinking about it, there are actually a LOT of them. so here we go!

1. all Dr. Wives are blonde, skinny as hell, tanned, and constantly "going to lunch" or "the club"
2. we're all about the benjamins
3. we wear tennis uniforms all the time
4. we have 1 or 2 gratuitous kids for the sake of having someone to spend money on, but neither the Dr. or the Dr. Wife really care about their kids
5. our houses are all GINORMOUS (even the psychiatrists, pediatricians, and residents)
6. we're either the practice wife or the trophy wife
7. we have no limit and no balance on our credit cards
8. there's a housekeeper/maid and nanny to take care of everything messy in my life
9. the hardest decision we have to make is what cocktail to order next
10. we're all lushes and have prozac/valium problems
11. we married for the money
12. our DrH is sleeping with the hot nurse but we dont care (because of the money)
13. over the top vacations, massages, mani/pedis, country clubs, unlimited clothing budgets, and cute pool boys come standard.

alright ladies... take it from here!

Hiding Your Spouse's Profession

I need advice!  I have been interviewing for jobs because I moved to a new city.  Naturally, one of the questions that comes up from interviewers/recruiters is "What brings you to this city?"  I say "My husband got a job here."  Most people are satisfied with that question.  I'd say like 60% will stop there.  The other 40% are unable to resist and are *dying* to know what he does.  I made the mistake of telling one recruiter at an employment agency that he is a resident.  The woman just rolled her eyes at me.  I can't imagine, ever rolling my eyes at someone's response to a question that I asked them.

I got smart right away and stopped indulging these people's curiosity.  I say little pansy lines like "oh even I don't know what he does!" and employers respond well to that.  I don't want to lie, but I don't want to give them yet another reason to judge me.  You might think I'm paranoid, but I really have had people ask me what my husband does [even though I never ask others that question, ever], then roll their eyes at me, or say generally hurtful things they otherwise wouldn't say if my husband was basically any other profession.

What should I do?  How should I respond to these prospective employers?